I just got the news. I am stunned. Just y'day I was discussing with H that this could be a possibility. Yet, the odds were low.
I feel unmoored.
I didn't plan for this.
But, instincts kick in. When you've lived your whole life trying to manage crises and fighting fires for others, you've also built skills of your own.
I stem the panic. And focus.
This isn't just happening to me. There are some other key people who are involved too. If I feel this way, they must be feeling it so much more. I reach out.
...
I run up the stairs and confer with H. You know the thing that we were discussing y'day and said is such low probability - we laugh. Our bodies are tense and still reeling with the news. However, our mind is active, defusing the situation.
She asks - are you doing okay? I reply, still amused. I am ambivalent. I feel confused and uncertain. I feel the load of our future, yet feel weirdly lighter.
We confer. Let's take a quick look at numbers. Alright. There might be cause for concern, but it's not immediate.
Escape to reality. We have to prepare for the night and put O to sleep.
I lay in bed, eyes wide awake, adrenaline coursing through my body. I know that sleep is going to be terrible.
Yet, I fall asleep.
It's restless.
It's 3:30am.
My alarm is quietly buzzing my wrist. Instinct kicks in. I plant my feet on the ground. It's a trick I learned to wake up early in the mornings. There's something about the feet touching the ground that just pushes your body awake. The carpet is warm.
I reach for my glasses. I put them on and amble up the stairs to the coffee machine.
I take a deep breath.
It all comes flooding back in. I jab the power button of the coffee machine, in a desperate attempt to control the emotions. I succeed. The ritual triggers something. My brain slows down to focus on making the coffee.
Grind the beans.
Tamp the filter.
Pull.
The aroma wrapped around me comforting me in its warm embrace and tickling my brain into being present, even if only for a moment.
My brain brings up mono no aware. It's a Japanese philosophy that celebrates the pathos of impermanence.
I slow my pace.
I look at the crema of the espresso.
I gently walk to the refrigerator. I grab the milk. I tip the kettle of warm water into the shot carefully to preserve as much of the crema as possible. I trickle a thimble of milk into the cup.
I place the carton back into the fridge and walk with the mug on to the table. I open my journal.
I jot - Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
I feel tension relieving.
I smile as I think of the namesake song.
Mono no aware 物の哀れ
Today's the first day of the rest of my life!