When were you last free of worry?"
I’ve been staring at this prompt for twenty minutes. The cursor blinks - a rhythmic, digital heartbeat against a blank white void. Have I never been free of it? No, that can’t be right.
I force the first few words out. The opening sentence is always a dam spillway; once the initial stone is moved, the thoughts gush out with a force that still catches me off guard. Over two years of journaling, I’ve learned that the secret is simply to follow the flow.
Flow.
The word resonates. That is the state where worry dies. I can see it now: those hours at the office where I’m chasing a problem so meaningful the world outside the monitor ceases to exist. Or at home, when H and I are lost in a shared project, our hands moving in a silent, coordinated dance. In those moments, I am not a person "thinking" about life; I am simply living it.
But what about the rest of the time? I find myself looping back to a single thought: When I was young.
What was the magic of that era? It wasn't just the lack of gray hair or even presence of it. I had less disposable income and a smaller footprint in the world. My life was lighter - unburdened by the "stuff" that now requires insurance, maintenance, and storage. Back then, there was no calculated trajectory. Life wasn’t a problem to be solved; it was a series of serendipitous collisions. I wasn't measuring my progress against a metric because I didn't know the metrics existed. I wasn't worried about the "outcome" because I was too busy experiencing the "now."
Staying curious about what's around the bend.
Being light on my feet. Being unburdened.
Today I am responsible for more. However, I don't have to be responsible for more than what I choose.
The answer doesn't stay in my notebook; it follows me into the world.
Later that afternoon, I am sitting in the plastic chair of a car service center. The air smells of burnt oil and stale coffee. Without thinking - an old, twitchy habit - I pull out my phone and tap the LinkedIn icon.
A parade of "state changes" begins. A litany of acquaintances, former colleagues, and distant friends are announcing new titles, "humbled" awards, and strategic pivots.
Suddenly, the air in the waiting room feels thinner. The sides of my head tighten, a dull pressure as if someone is pulling a drawstring inside my skull. I realize my knuckles are white; I’m gripping the phone like a weapon. My breath grows shallow and rapid, hitting a wall in my chest that won't let it pass.
I pause. I force myself to look at my own body.
My primary instinct is to flee - not by leaving the room, but by scrolling faster. I am hunting for a different feed, a different "hit" of content that might neutralize the poison of the last one.
Then, it clicks.
I am judging my internal "now" by someone else’s curated "then." I am comparing my messy, unfinished process to their polished, final outcome. I see a "Chief Product Officer" title and suddenly feel a phantom need for validation. I am a grown man seeking a gold star from a digital ghost.
As the realization hits, I put the phone facedown on the pleather seat beside me.
I take a pen to paper.
The jaws unclench. I feel the tension drain from my temples. A small, private smile forms as the absurdity of the moment washes over me.
Comparison, validation, the paralyzing fear of loss - these are the cliches of growing older, the barnacles that attach themselves to us as we move through the years. They make us human, but they also make us heavy.
Maybe, being "free of worry" isn't a gift from the past; it’s a choice in the present. It requires a fierce guarding of the gates. I know what I must do now:
Reclaim the Screen: I will no longer surrender control of my peace to an algorithm designed to make me feel "less than." This isn't eschewing modern social connections. However, I should only consume the poison for which I have the antidotes.
Practice Presence: I will stay in my body long enough to notice when the "drawstring" starts to pull, and I will breathe through it.
Trust the Flow: I will remind myself that nothing truly meaningful can be lost that cannot be gained back through curiosity and effort.
The fear of making the wrong step is the only thing that truly keeps me from the right one. Today, I’m choosing to step lightly again - just like I did when I had nothing to lose and everything to find.