In my life, I've struggled with spirituality. I grew up in a religious household. My grandparents lived piously and my parents lead a pious life.

As a child, I never questioned faith. It was a blissful acceptance that this is what life is. With the trait for authority pleasing, I absorbed the tantras and the mantras associated with religious and spiritual living. I performed my daily rites - the sandhyavandanams (literally translates to a very pleasing hymns of twilight). I consumed every Amar Chitra Katha and Hindu mythology building these mental statues of heroes with feats beyond compare. They were never human or mortal.

Over time, the relationship with Gods transformed from blind acceptance to be more transactional. It was closely tied to outcomes. I had my list of Gods I called upon when I wanted an outcome: It's Ganesha for no impediments; Saraswati for education and learning and then Hanuman for victory in the endeavor.

I realize in hindsight that this was a self reinforcing loop. If something went well (I wanted the outcome), I thanked the Gods. If something didn't go well, I blamed the Gods. Insidiously, I didn't realize that this was a rejection of agency.

This relationship with faith kept on until a couple years into college. In college, I started questioning this. Certain outcomes didn't happen as I wanted so then as a religious human I asked - why not? What did I do wrong - why did you not give me the outcome I wanted?

Anyway, when more things didn't go according to plan, I did what any young person would do - a total and utter rejection of faith. I stopped believing. I embraced agnosticism. It never led to atheism as I still believed in a higher power. However, the gumption of youth is good. I started believing in myself, I believed that I started achieving things because of my merit and the effort that I put in. However, this also led to some painful learnings - including the onset of impostor syndrome.

I never paused to reflect on what I was doing. If you reject faith and insist outcomes are fully under your control, then every miss becomes a referendum on your worth. When you do not get what you want, you start questioning your ability, and your identity.

A memory sticks. I remember thoroughly enjoying C++ during a semester in college. I understood it well. I enjoyed coding in it and was good at leveraging pointers and writing code that managed memory really well. However, the results of the finals of C++ were that I graded a 60/100.

I remember the sinking feeling to this day. I jumped to the conclusion that I wasn't good at C++ and decided that was not what I wanted to ever pursue in my life. This was wrong. Ironically, my first job was writing Visual C++ code to do graphical visualizations and calculations of human heart and lungs, for which I won rave reviews and won awards. I was lucky I got an opportunity to correct my self evaluation. However, at the time in college, my ego was butt hurt.

Over the 20 years since I've learned more about the brain, the mind, the ego, the self etc. However, my young mind couldn't take the responsibility easily.

So, I flipped to faith after college.

Then I flopped to agnosticism.

Upon reflection, and only recently, did I figure out the pattern. My faith flipped on outcomes. When something didn't go according to plan, I switch modes. When that mode fails (based on another outcome), I flip and then I flop.

The irony is that Hindu faith is chockfull of life lessons that suggest what I was doing was a fool's errand. The most famous of them

कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन।
मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भूर्मा ते सङ्गोऽस्त्वकर्मणि॥ २-४७

Transliterated, it reads

Karmanye vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana,
Ma Karmaphalaheturbhurma Te Sangostvakarmani

Translated it means

Karmanyevadhikarasthe: You have the right to work

Ma Phaleshu Kadachana: But, never to its fruits.
Ma karmaphalaheturbhurma: Let not the fruits of action be your motive
Te Sangostavakarmani: Nor let your attachment be to inaction.

Upon re-reading this verse from the Gita a couple years ago, finally

I had been working on the wrong problem. I had tied faith to outcomes, when faith is really intended to survive outcomes. Agency determines effort. Outcomes depend on many factors I do not control. Faith helps me accept whatever happens without collapsing into blame, shame, or grand stories.

Now a rational person should question if it's being delusional. I did.

That question sent me down a rabbit hole about ego and the mind: what the mind does, why it lies, and how it protects identity. In that process, I ran into Depressive Realism

Although depressed individuals are thought to have a negative cognitive bias that results in recurrent, negative automatic thoughts, maladaptive behaviors, and dysfunctional world beliefs, depressive realism argues not only that this negativity may reflect a more accurate appraisal of the world but also that non-depressed individuals' appraisals are positively biased. (emphasis mine)

This one is a doozy.

The claim is uncomfortable: depressed people may judge some parts of reality more accurately, while non-depressed people often hold a positive bias.

My takeaway is simple. Positive bias is not just a flaw. It can be a tool for staying functional. It can support joy. Depression is brutal. I have no interest in “accurate” thinking that destroys my will to act.

This is the role that faith plays for mem now. Faith is my chosen positive cognitive bias. It helps me accept bad outcomes without quitting. It helps me put in my next rep without turning a loss into an identity.

There is a line between helpful bias and delusion. I try to watch that line. But if the choice is between a bias that keeps me moving and a “clear-eyed” view that sinks me, I will take the bias and keep going.

Here's an awkward question: Taken to its absurd simplicity, does this mean I will choose the blue pill?