I was in a plane with no wifi yesterday and so instead of sleeping, I decided to try to invoke a state of “nothingness.” What I narrate next is the rollercoaster that led to some clarity.

I’ve never felt panic the way I felt at that moment. Everything felt like it was folding on itself as I saw some people in the back starting to boo. I couldn’t bring myself to look at my friends where I knew I’d find some semblance of support.

I turned around to look at my fellow performers. They seemed to be lost in their own world. I couldn’t determine if they were fighting their own insecurities, lost in their own skill or tuning out the world in a healthy manner.

My sweaty palms gripped, desperately, to the microphone as I continued to sing the next verse, “And nothing else matters…”

My life is at a fork, yet again. Our plans for this year, listing the home to gain some independence is facing significant unplanned headwinds. It seems like I want something that cannot be achieved and my mind seems to have a hard time accepting it.

You’d think that once you’ve gone through a moment of clarity where you’ve come out of that panic, it won’t happen again. The truth seems to be that it is a state of mind and when enough unresolved things remain in a state of tension, it’s easy for the mind to lose the discipline and peace it needs to see reality.

And yet, reality matters.

There are two kinds of reality: mental phenomena (nama) and physical phenomena (rupa). Nama experiences something; rupa does not experience anything. Seeing is, for example, a type of nama; it experiences visible object. Visible object itself is rupa; it does not experience anything. What we take for self are only nama and rupa which arise and fall away. The ‘Visuddhimagga’ (‘Path of Purity’, a commentary) explains (Ch. XVIII, 25):

Source: The Four Paramattha Dhammas [Chapter 1]

Buddhism refers to the mentality/materiality exercise, which is also shared within the practice of yoga.

Vrittayah Pancatayyah Klishta Aklishta “The modifications of the mind are fivefold; some are painful (kliṣṭa), others are not (akliṣṭa).”

Source: Yoga Sutra 1.5: Vrittayah Pancatayyah Klishta Aklishta

While those links are great follow on reads, the key takeaway is that there’s reality and there’s perception. In my own experience, panic sets in when the mentality / perception takes over, spiraling itself into an infinite loop of overwhelm. The overwhelm from the mind turning a solvable problem into an imagined one. The surreal vastness of the problem is what causes anxiety as a solution feels unattainable.

And when something feels unattainable, anxiety, fear all kick in further exacerbating the situation, causing you to flail, or get stuck, which then catalyze into negative emotions.

So, in the flight, I slow my breath down. I tell myself to start feeling again, but not the spiral that I was going down, but to regain my senses in a literal way. Feel the seat, where does it hurt, what part feels comfortable and uncomfortable. Feel my breath, where does it feel easy and where does it feel forced? Wiggle my toes, observe which one moves easy, and which ones are hard.

This is my practice to bring myself back to reality. To start being present in the moment again. It’s not to distract but to observe. Observe reality and not the virtual colored by my emotions, feelings, insecurities, wants, needs.

Observe what’s material - the cool temperature, the warm seat, the dry air. Remove what’s mental - the anxiety of the unknown, the fear that we will not get what we want, the feeling of failure.

In my wise old age, I can confidently say that it’s all about the reps. Yet, even I go through periods of self doubt, where the terror of uncertainty paralyzes you. The seeds of doubt cloud clarity as you desperately try to clear the fog that envelopes you.

So I’ve developed a practice to center myself, to get myself to focus on the reality of the situation. Because, the only path is through.